Gallant lores of Gallant Soldiers

Happy are they who have their shirts tucked in by the women they live with. Blessed are the gallant soldiers who were promised chapattis, because women rarely promise things they can't deliver. The rest of us can now go and find out how the trade winds cause el ñino.

The thing you imagine during your single days is that, when you finally start living together, she will be coming to the mirror as you tuck in your vest dressing up for work in the mornings and playfully poke your arm with her manicured nails and whisper to you, “I will ask Maria to make chapos and beef stew just the way you want.”  

You don't know who Maria is, but you believe her because women rarely make promises they can't fulfill. Well, apart from her telling you to give her your number then she will call you— when you are trying to get her to be your woman. That one you will wait. Because she won't. There are gallant lores of gallant soldiers of our gallant gender that have been promised gallant calls and gallant years later, they are still waiting, gallantly. What manner of gallantry!

As a man, the promise of chapati is the thing that motivates you to go out there and face the world. And if you live in Rongai, to go out there and fight lions. And if you live in Kitengela, go out there and face El-Nino. 

I posit to you today, if Jonah had been promised chapos by his fam before his botched Nineveh mission, today we could be telling a different story. That shark that swallowed him, could have swallowed someone else. Women need to promise men chapatis more and more. If for nothing else, for world peace. We can start with Putin. I am sure there is a woman he listens to. I digress.

The truth is, she will never stand next to you poking your arm playfully promising you eternal chapatis. Never. And this is the saddest reality about marriage.

The truth, is as you tuck in your vest, she will be writing you a shopping list that you should carry on your way back home.

“Please remember to buy tissue and sheen spray, and water colours for Ian's art class. And please don't buy those toilet papers you brought last time. They are shitty.”

You will think to yourself aren't toilet papers supposed to be shitty?

Because she knows your schedule, she will call you immediately you leave the office to repeat the same thing. “Toilet paper, sheen spray and water colours.”

For some reason you will forget the toilet papers. It is not intentional and every man can understand you. So you will get to the house and think of getting your family some leaves(for toilet paper) because you must offer solutions—especially for problems you have created.

No need. She has them stocked. So as you brush your teeth in the evening you will see a dozen of the rolls and ask her, “Rossete, kwani you bought toilet paper?”

She will look at you with a straight face and say, “Men are really funny. You wanted us to use leaves?”

You will almost say yes because that is what you had thought of when you realized you had forgotten to buy them but you also know that  there is some honesty that works against you. This is one.

That night you will not have chapos. And Jesus knows you might also not have other things—even when you tell her, Rosy, could your run my shoulder a bit, I think I dislocated a bone.” She will scoff and say, “John, you are a software developer, what heavy thing did you carry today? HTML?”

One day when they ask you for marriage  advice, you will sigh and say, “It is shitty if you forget to buy toilet paper.”  The sad thing is that they will miss the pun and the lesson. Morons!

As told by #nduguabisai