God, Peter, Saitan and You

If you're into crazy stuff this is a thing for you 

cc. Ted Malanda 

Our first dates, for those of my generation, were tense. You've gathered 50 bob and taken your babe to some joint. You want to make the best impression, cheat her that you are polished; a gentleman who speaks, dines and wines like one. But who is Satan?

The first four mouthfuls go down real smooth. Then God's phone rings. 

God: "Yes, Peter. Wozzap?"

Peter: "Sorry, My Lord, it's Captain Uria and King David. They are fighting again."

God: "Saitan! Kwani where the hell is Samson? He's supposed to keep an eye on those two shenzi types 24/7. And didn't I tell Solomon to sit down his dad and stepfather and tell them to grow up? You guys should learn to solve small problems without bugging me. I have the Cold War, the famine in Ethiopia and lots of other hairy stuff to deal with. Nkt."

Peter: "Lord, I haven't seen Samson since that Pharisee slayqueen checked into hell, and si you just know Solomon? Dude is all over that Princess with a wooden butt like a nonsense. I honestly don't know what he sees in...."

God: "Enough! Okay, do this..."

Now, those two seconds when the Lord is distracted is when Satan strikes. You are dining along nicely, cutlery right, arm folded in the right place when saitan ingilias kati. You swallow, and instead of that bolus going down nyweee like mrenda, it slams down your throat, like a stone. KODONG'! 

Everyone in the restaurant poses and turns. You stare into your plate, embarrassed. But the future mama watoto, good woman, pretends she didn't hear it, and leans forward with a piece of meat pointed at your mouth. 

But just when your lips are about to receive her gift of love, and your eyes are locked and blazing with passion, saitan strikes again. 

Your stomach goes "Kurrrrr" so loudly that the chef pops his head out of the kitchen door to check what's going on. Man!

Well, God is good. Those kamisi beauties married us still. Never mind that we would hoof it half across town to seduce them in the midday sun, and roll-on and cologne hadn't been discovered yet.