Big boy Joseph

By Brian Mbanacho,

Praise God, Church! 

It’s now 20 years since Joseph was sold to slavery by his jealous brothers. Life hasn’t been easy, especially since he had to go to prison after Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him of rape, spending a few years afraid of bending over to pick up soap. But because he serves a living God, he has overcome all the obstacles and is now a big boy in Egypt, rolling around on the finest donkeys with panoramic sunroofs. He now has servants of his own and he occasionally stops by Pharoh’s palace to interpret dreams for him.

Meanwhile, Egypt and the neighbouring countries are experiencing the worst famine, so Israel gathers his boys around and asks them to go over to Egypt and buy some grains. “Buy beans and maize and dengu and everything else, but not kamande,” he says, spitting on the ground. “I would rather we all die than eat that atrocious meal.”

“Yes, father,” the sons chorus before setting out for Egypt. 

When in Egypt, they are taken to the big boy in charge of food, and when he comes out to meet them, they bow in honour. The big boy, Joseph, smiles. It’s clear they don’t recognize him, but it’s all good because how could they? He was a tiny fellow walking about in a rainbow coat when they sold him. 

“So, I am told you fellows are here to buy kamande?”

“No, sir. We were hoping to get some maize, beans, dengu and njahi.” 

“Not Kamande?”

“No offence, sir, but Kamande is not fit for humans.”

“Even starving ones?”

“Especially starving ones.” 

Joseph nods and proceeds to ask them to tell him more about themselves. What were their names? Who was their father? Was he still alive? Really? Wonderful. 

“You seem like good chaps, so we will give you guys what you want, but you will have to leave your brother Simeon behind.”

“Why, sir?”

“So that you can go and come back with your other brother, Benjamin.”

The brothers agree to leave Simeon behind. The general consensus is that Simeon is not going to be a big loss to the family. He sags his pants and loves chapo malenge. In fact, they suspect he secretly loves Kamande, which is a tragedy. 

They get home and tell their father what happened. The father, after losing Joseph and Simeon, is not keen to let Benjamin out of his sight, but when the grain runs out and Kamande remains the only option, sends them back to Egypt with Benjamin.

Joseph is happy to see his younger brother, Benjamin, but he plays it cool so as not to reveal his identity to them. He invites them over for dinner and before sending them on their way with grain, Joseph instructs his servants to plant his silver cup in Benjamin’s bag, which is soon discovered and now Benjamin is at risk of being enslaved or even killed. To save him, Judah takes the blame for the cup and it’s only then that Joseph is satisfied his brothers are changed men. He reveals himself to them. They hug and cry. Forgiveness is begged and granted. They tell him their father is now called Israel, and Joseph tells them to go bring him to Egypt. 

“In fact, bring the whole family, including your wives and dogs and cats and cows and bulls and sheep and…”

“We get it. And we will be back before you know it.” 

The whole family moves to Egypt, receiving a grand welcome from King Pharaoh himself before settling in Goshen. 

Rumour has it that Joseph asked his father if his rainbow coat was still around, but we can’t substantiate this claim.

Shalom, Church!

PS: All (female) ushers to remain behind. And for obvious reasons.